Be Still, My Beating Heart

Words to Live By

cardiactamponade — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:46:33 +0000

But I’ve always been a positive person, and I knew as long as I stayed disciplined, my life would be great. I didn’t have a particular plan. I just knew that I wanted more.

Semara Breeland
The Sibling Superstars of Park Slope

A totally random post on how I was supposed to blog about being hungry

cardiactamponade — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:04:10 +0000

Hunger makes me sad. When I’m hungry, I start thinking about everything that’s going wrong. My project, my life. Everything.

It is depressing. I should start focusing on the positive, or I will go mad.

Case in point: I finally told my mother that I got stood up. For better or for worse, I told her. I don’t know what the fallout is going to be. But basically it means that there is no turning back with this man. His actions, if not words, have brought clarity.

I tried to bring this up gently, by saying that it’s funny how there are some people who aren’t really nice. And she interrupted me to say “Oh, people aren’t perfect. There’s no one relationship that’s perfect. You should be more patient.”

And I, in my irritation, just dropped the whole gentle-toe-dip-in-the-pool and told her bluntly. I got stood up.

She was visibly disappointed. And weirdly I tried to console her by saying that you know, it’s good that things like these happen early. At least you know where the other person is standing. It’s not the same place. So it’s easier to let go. Better to have it happen now than later.

As for me, right now I’m still hurt. Why am I not angry yet??

It’s good I blog anonymously.

cardiactamponade — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:05:18 +0000

I’ve been thinking lately. After 3-6 months of hanging out with new friends, I’ve begun to realize why I don’t belong in business. I’m too shy to be a social butterfly, too serious to be fun, too earnest to be a socialite. Not that socialites aren’t earnest. It’s just that here, some of the them can be quite ferocious.

And I’m not that. I’m the dorky awkward girl in glasses that never really grew out of her shell. Hanging out with some of these people brings this out in me. And reminds me why, back in high school, I chose science. And medicine.

I’m not popular, I’ve never been popular. Growing up, I was always compared to, always less favorably, to a cousin born the same year in the same month. She was smarter, more confident, more successful. Even today, she is more successful than me, in all the ways that matter to our hometown.

Even today, I know I need help making friends. It’s funny, after a year, I find that my friends are the ones whom I’ve made on my own terms, and not the ones who were introduced to me. Sure we’re acquaintances, and we go out sometimes, and we hang out and do stuff (not too often, since I need a lot of space).

And it’s good I blog anonymously. Imagine if they got ahold of this post! I could not publish it, but damn does it feel good to get it off my chest.

CNY 2012

cardiactamponade — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 08:04:24 +0000

A friend was sad the other day. She was looking through her newsfeed, and saw her peers having families and generally being very happy. She found it painful, because at 33 she is still single and looking.

I tried to be as supportive as possible. For instance, I reminded her that the grass is always greener on the other side. And secondly, that facebook wall is popular because people share their what is good about their lives. And I’m being quite diplomatic here. Some people share to incite envy. Or like my best friend says, it’s not like people are going to upload pictures of screaming kids hopped up on sugar.

Anyway.

I wanted to share that because I got stood up recently by someone I liked. It’s totally not related to my situation. Guess I just wanted to think about something else. Except whatever I think about keeps coming back to this situation.

I still don’t know what to do about it. At the moment, I’m taking refuge in etiquette, like don’t want to be rude, but don’t want to initiate, want to keep my distance. absolutely don’t want to get hurt (too late.)

Friends

cardiactamponade — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:15:00 +0000

From The Lost Art of Self-Preservation.

I found her blog by way of Hooking Up Smart which I stumbled upon by way of the New York Times (or was it the Atlantic?). Grerp is a very sane rational person. I don’t know if we’ll get along IRL as I am nerdy quiet and passive and her blog persona is normal.

Here’s one of the bits that I like. There are lots more.

Real friends will not just flatter you and tell you you look great or not fat in that skirt or not to worry about putting that vacation on your nearly maxed credit card because “You deserve it.” Real friends will intervene when you do ill-advised things. Real friends will not stop calling when something good happens to you. They will want you to succeed even if it means you advance a bit on the social hierarchy. Yes, it may sting a bit or make them worry about their own prospects, but they are mature enough to be genuinely happy for you.

Full post here.