Collect all the pharmaceutical pens you can lay your hands on. Then, when you get a problem customer, make a diagnosis and suggest some treatment options with the pen you give them to sign the check. It’s all harmless passive aggressive fun. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Give a pen that says…….
Zoloft – Good for the obsessive compulsive guy who double checks the bill 5 times. (OCD)
Lipitor – You just had to have extra cheese with that, right pal? (Cholesterol)
Campral – Maybe you should stop drinking. (Alcoholism)
Paxil – Customer eating alone? (Social Anxiety Disorder)
Viagra – Ladies, sick of the old perv staring at your tits? (Erectile dysfunction)
Zyban – For the customer who bitches about the no smoking rule. (Nicotine Addiction)
Ritalin – Didn’t pay attention while I recited the specials? Bastard. (Adult ADD)
Nexium – But you asked for it spicy sir. (Acid reflux disease)
Propecia – You may have money you rude arrogant bastard – but I have all my hair. (Baldness)
Prozac – Shit, everybody needs to be taking this one. (Depression)
Ortho-Evra – For the woman with the bratty kids. (Birth control)
Nameda – For customers who forgot what they ordered. (Alzheimer’s)
Enablex – For customer always getting up to take a piss. (Overactive bladder)
Clozaril – Customer says “Do you know who I am?” No I don’t. And I’ll bet he doesn’t either. (Schizophrenia)
Haldol – For the table that thinks the customer is always right. (Anti-psychotic)
Valtrex – For the resident Don Juan/Skank. (Herpes)
Remicade – What customers will need if they fuck with the kitchen staff. (Irritable bowel syndrome)
Xanax – Bitch, just chill.
So the next time you go out to eat dear customer, take a close look at the pen you’re signing the check with. Your server may be trying to tell you something.