The below may be totally inarticulate. I tried and tried, but I kept having that problem where you’re trying to describe something you don’t have an exact terminology for, so it gets all long-winded and lame. Sorry.
I am embarrassed, even anonymously, but I would appreciate some good advice on the following:
I’m a pretty ladylike, fairly “traditionally female” girl. (Yes, I know someone out there is gearing up to be totally offended by that, but I just wanted a short way to explain that I like crafty hobbies and cooking and babies and cute clothes, and am nurturing and “soft” in how I communicate, and have no interest in sports or automotive repair.)
I’ve dated. A few serious relationships, all with Really Nice Guys. Really. The kind your mom would be thrilled to see you date. And it turns out that I don’t like Really Nice Guys all that much. Which is good, because it helped clarify what I do want. Except, er, now I’m not sure how to get it.
This is probably going to sound exceedingly lame, but I would be quite excited to be in a relationship with a really manly man who is amused and approving when I cook him retro roast-based dinners, and who agrees with me that our interests do not have to overlap or match in all areas, and that men and women are mysterious to each other, and that that’s kind of nice.
And then perhaps he could take me to bed and be quite forceful and pull my hair and demand that I call him inappropriate things.
Etcetera. I would also largely be okay with him being in charge in most other areas of our shared life, except – omg I know – your more as-defined-by-me female things, like food and fabulous outfits I bought at Banana Republic on sale.
Now, I know that pretty much sounds like I’m submissive, looking for a dominant guy. But I would not say that it’s a BDSM-based relationship that I’m looking for. When this started to occur to me, I read books and did research, and I think… no. I could certainly be wrong, but the sort of ritualized nature of BDSM just fails to appeal. Also, I just cannot deal with the leather pants. SORRY.
Further: I’m pretty sociable and friendly, but men who are very attractive to me in this particular way – that is, they seem sort of stern, yet prepared-to-be-amused, and kind of trustworthy in that vaguely scary, manly way, your kind of obvious power-imbalance objects of attention – tend to make me blush and look at the floor, which mildly concerns me. Even if I ended up dating the guy, the blushing-and-looking-at-the-floor false advertising might lead him to expect other things. He’d probably be horrified to discover that I’m actually kind of funny and sarcastic and am kind of slutty in bed. (omg.)
Some more things:
1) Yes, I know everyone’s supposed to be open and communicate about ones sexual needs, but I don’t know if you’ve ever had a conversation where you nervously asked your Very Nice Boyfriend to pull your hair? Oh… it’s terrible. I cannot recommend it. And even when he does pull your hair, it’s sort of awful for everyone. Not to mention the absolute reverse of sexy. So no more of that.
2) I’m not forward. I don’t talk to men I’m not in a relationship with about sex. I’m not ever going to ask a guy I don’t know if he’s the hair-pulling type. (…well, maybe if I were hugely drunk. But that’s really not a dating strategy I’m looking to develop, I don’t think.)
3) I’m monogamous. That’s not on the table. I’m not going to have one Really Nice Boyfriend and one who pushes me into walls but is otherwise boring. Sorry.
SO. I’m sorry that got so long. To recap, this is my question: what, if anything, can you recommend for a young lady who’s interested in meeting a guy who might pull her hair, etcetera? Where might she meet someone like this? How would she know? Is there a delicate, polite way to make this clear? Is there a hanky code of some kind I don’t know about?!?
Thanks, everyone. Questions, clarification, comments, I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.